...Eurovision, uuuuuuh

It's May and I'm in Europe. That can mean only one thing... that's right, it's Eurovision! For a non-European, the first time you watch it, the Eurovision song contest can seem like some kind of strange dream, or perhaps nightmare, depending how serious you take things. It is, for lack of a better term, the ultimate cheesefest; for some a cause for a yearly Eurovision party, others a source of shame. To me, it's something to look on at in wonder, especially when you notice the voting patterns. That's when the real fun starts, you can usually predict which country will vote for which.

Having grown from it's original intent 46 years ago to showcase the ability of European broadcasters to simultaneously broadcast throughout the continent to it's present incarnation showcasing talent (?!) from 25 European countries, I'm sure it's changed immensely over the years having seen Franco buying a title in an effort to improve Spain's image and European Union growth to 27 countries. This year's event is being held in Serbia as the host country is always the home of the previous year's winner. From the almost unbearable interplay between the two hosts speaking in English and French to many of the acts, it is truly laughable. However, there are always a few bright moments. For instance the vignettes introducing the countries that are played between acts which usually prove more entertaining than the acts themselves, or even the odd song that catches ones fancy.

Some random thoughts as the contest rolls out in front of me.

So far I've seen Romania, the UK, Albania, Germany and Armenia, but I've seen nothing even approaching interesting. Bosnia and Herzegovina are trying to change that with some kind of song and dance, which was the best of the first 6...only 19 to go. Not to sound political during Eurovision, but why is act seven Israel? Why are they are part of this and European football? Finland, the winner two years ago with another heavy metal entry, won't win it this year without costumes more original than fur shoulder pads, oooh an explosion. I like the old man opening the Croatian entry, but I think the football team has a better chance in the European Cup later this summer. Afraid to say that Poland has missed the boat on what seems to be the new trend in having your nation's entry sing in your native tongue as they've thrown out a plastic entry singing in English I think, ouch! Iceland with some typical Eurotrash, This is my Life, too happy, too pink, and once again, in English, but I can see why they were voted the happiest country in the world recently. Are those smiles painted on? A return to singing in your own language with Turkey's entry, from what I can tell, the title of the song translates to crazy, it's crazy-something, but unfortunately not crazy-good, not a bad ending though. The backstage reporters seem to be in an alternate reality competition where they're trying to be the most annoying people on the show. At act lucky 13, Portugal, which mercifully tell me we're at the halfway point, with some kind of ballad about fishermen not returning from the sea, if only the song was lost with them, but the fans do seem impressed. The 2000 winners Latvia are going for a pirate theme, flags on cleavage and an upbeat rhythm with The Wolves of the Sea, campy, just as it's meant to be, I think. Will there ever be another ABBA? Well, not this year's entry from Sweden, with a pretty standard song called Hero. Am I the only one who finds the singer a little creepy looking? I was hoping for Lionel Richie as Denmark's song is titled All Night Long, like the Richie classic, but it's actually a Billy Joel-like upbeat melody, could be catchy if I let it get in my head... celebrate good times c'mon...all night long! My favourites from last year, Georgia... not this year my friends. Ukraine always seems to be one of the favourites, hmmm, well, she's sexy enough, sings, moves, giving an average song a chance to win. Five-time winners France singing in English? What's the world coming to? I can't tell if they're making fun of themselves or the show or what, but that long-haired bearded guy might have sung my favourite song so far. Could that really be Azerbaijan, dressed in angel wings, a male falsetto, and a slight metal edge, interesting at least. The last five, Greece with a (not) Shakira-like performance from a girl born in New York. Hard to tell again if Spain is taking the piss, at least they must be poking fun at Spanish music, the hairdo gives it away. Hometown favourite Serbia with a moving ballad, but there's too many others to compete against this year. Russia might be ready to take over the world again, but another English ballad isn't what this contest needed, but wait, there's a guy figure skating! Finally, Norway ended it on a good note, with a nice feet tapping ditty.

From what I recall, we've now got about 15 hours to wait while the voting and the announcement of the results. So, who did you think won? In our place, we've got our money on France, Denmark, Azerbaijan and Norway. Well, not really money, as the winner is rarely the best performance of the night. The voting patterns of nations has received quite a bit of criticism, as countries tend to vote for those that are geographically close to them, making central/eastern European countries with more neighbours more likely to win. For that reason, the betting favourites in my books are Latvia and Bosnia Herzegovina, and the Ukraine with an outside shot.

Greece takes the first 12 points! Crazy stuff. Macedonia get to vote, cool Skopje. Albania with 12. Kiev reports the Ukraine's, what a surprise, Russia. The voting could make one crazy with it's predictability. Guess that means Germany gives 12 to Poland...just kidding, Greece retakes the lead. Estonia should vote for Russia and do. Bosnia has to be Serbia because they gave Croatia 10 points. Correct again in my prediction. Albania... to Greece. The Spanish announcer (I'm watching on the Spanish TVE) is laughing out loud. Belgium, a western European country is impossible to predict. Wow, 43 countries are gonna vote, this is gonna be awhile. San Marino is actually voting! At least Italy's not in it for them to vote for. Greece with 12, wow, they're winning. What was their song again? Oh my God, they just showed the top three again, Greece was that Shakira? Bulgaria just gave Germany their first 12 points. Serbia only gave 10 to Russia, oh yeah, Bosnia Herzegovina with 12. Israel votes for Russia, surprise! Cyprus with 12 for Greece. Moldovan guy offering an apple and 12 to Romania. Those happy Icelanders give 12 to Denmark. My Spanish commentator got excited about the 10 from Portugal, almost their only points. Denmark with another 12 from a northern near neighbour. 12 for Azerbaijan from Hungary. Andorra votes too of course. That means Spain and France get some points! 12 for Spain. The Poles gives 12 to Armenia. Slovenia votes for all their former compatriots scattered around Yugoslavia. Armenia have put the Russians solidly out front. The Turks vote for Azerbaijan, but their not gonna be the winners tonight. Sweden wins 12 from Malta. Wow, there really are a lot of Poles in Ireland, getting 10 points, they've got a total of 14 points from 30 countries now. Azerbaijan's first time voting, Turkey of course. The idiot announcer thought the 12 would be for Armenia, um, they don't like each other even if they are neighbours, war and all. Croatia for Bosnia Herzegovina. Sweden for Norway. Belarus for Russia. Lithuania for Russia, none for Poland. What's up with that? Former domination and all. Only 3 countries left to vote. Russia has mathematically won. Georgia's vote is irrelevant. Interesting they gave 8 to Russia. They might go to war soon, but there's enough rebels using rubles in the mountains with mobile phones. Denmark ends with 12 for Iceland, making the voting pattern near perfect and Russia the Eurovision champs in case anyone still cares...